Non-Perishable foods purchasedNumber of answers that may shock youNumber of answers that do shock youGovernment mind control rays absorbedBelief that eggs are good for youLikelihood that you’re the kidnapperChances that you’re going to have that f*cked up Andy Rooney sex dream again tonight.
Death Cooties Syphilis Ugliness Pooping your pants Hate for the world Unexpected boners
Mental breakdownsFree time on nights/weekendsOffice hours visitedAmount you love lifeNumber of times you wake up in the middle of the night to scream F*CKHatred for humanityDoodles made
Sex Coupons GivenSex coupons redeemed Plates thrown at wall behind youUse of phrase, “I don’t NEED a holiday to show my love”Amount you just realized while reading this that you missed Valentine’s DayAmount of lube boughtTime spent in the hospital after crushing up those chalk hearts and attempting to snort them
AttendanceChance that you’re a communications majorAttractive members of the opposite sexAttractive members of the opposite sex spoken toAbility to fart in class without being blamed for itChance this is the “professor that rides in on a motorcycle at some point during the year”Time spent nappingChance you’re enrolled in the Galactic College of Quarblezox
ExpectationsChangeRacist grandpas rolling over in their gravesPolitical pundits saying racism is over in AmericaRacism in AmericaThe audacity of hope
Hotness of significant otherMasturbationHappinessAbility to recite her phone number from memoryExcitement about video chat sexOpportunities missedAwkward proms attendedProbability you transfer to a community college and then she dumps you
How funny you look. God, I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to laugh. No, I know it’s rude. I’m sorry. Likelihood your skin is this colorFeasibility of a career in professional tossingHiding placesFear of doorwaysChances that standing oral sex is an option for you.
Amount of time spent on the InternetIntensity of orgasmYour willingness to click “Keep Reading”Hassle of having to go to plug in 1TB external harddrive for pornQuality of LifeFull images